ericawhisney

Professional athletes envision how they hope to make a play. Children imagine what it will be like when they hit the next landmark age. Professionals daydream about what will change when they get a promotion. In American culture, we have been conditioned to believe that eternal hope in the future is the American way. It’s instilled in children that working hard to meet our next goal is not only honorable, but once we have the notch in our belt or the degree in our hand, we will somehow be changed.

This ideal is so critical to the “American Experience” that children are pushed to consider what they want to be in the future, rather appreciating themselves in the moment. Kindergarteners are given writing prompts like: “draw a picture & write about what you want to be when you grow-up.” The responses teachers get are often what each child’s parents do for a living, or the career with the coolest & most identifiable “costume”.

As a youngster, I was required to complete these types of writing prompts & as a teacher, I was guilty of assigning such things. Recently, I had a conversation with one of my elementary school classmates, who referenced that for as long as she remembered, I didn’t want to get married or have babies. She even recalled one assignment in which I made this view quite clear. I answered the inverse of the classic question. Instead of responding with what I wanted to be, I wrote about what I didn’t want to be. This conversation prompted me to look through my writing samples & journals from grade school. I did not find any evidence of this alleged work. However, the “When I Grow-up” paper also seemed to be omitted from the collection.

Maybe my teacher realized how direct & untraditional I was & didn’t want to stir up my parents. Maybe one of the overly Christian children was dismayed by my public denunciation of such traditional rituals & swiped it off the wall. Maybe it innocently fell off the hallway display & a heartless custodian swept it up off the floor. Maybe it never happened. In any case, my friend and I have both known for years that my truth was defined by what I didn’t want or wouldn’t have in my life, rather than imagery around my greatest hopes.

Which brings me to my truth. Growing up, I had no specific vision, no fantasy of what I hoped my future life would hold. Yet, I always was confident in my belief that I would end-up in a good place. Not necessarily in the “right place” where I may have been destined to arrive, but rather in a place I would choose & come to desire over time.

Although it seems a bit laissez-faire, my parents were much too practical to influence my thinking in the direction of fate or karma. We did, however, go to some funky coffee shops referencing karma on the tip jars. The idea of divine intervention & being led to any specific outcome was something referenced in an odd way once in a while in our church, but later in the day my mother would always make a point that OUR choices directly impact OUR outcomes. Usually in relation to why it took us so long to clean our rooms.

Therefore, I was vaguely led to believe & my experiences have shown me: our choices create our lives. We define ourselves. We create our own destinies.

It’s no wonder I am where I am, considering the manner in which I’ve navigated my life. With the deep-seeded belief that choices are unlimited & replenishable. Without an ideal vision of my future life, from which to backwards plan.

Friends & acquaintances weigh-in on my life by saying, “I have high hopes for you” or “I’m not worried about you, I know you will be fine.” The saliency of these pointed comments, coming from longtime acquaintances, is the underlying theme of assurance. When people who know me well & have some context for my unique history have such trust, it gives me hope.

One of the most important people I’ve met in my life this far would preach to me: “First happy, then fun.” In a short time, he came to know me well & recognized my inability to truly let go of my work & life & stress. And called me out on it. I honored this idea of happiness as a pre-requisite for fun in an intellectual context. I strived to feel the beauty of allowing myself the space to be happy, but ultimately, it was an inauthentic & lame attempt, because I wouldn’t allow myself to let go. I couldn’t turn my mind off. I couldn’t stop processing. My work, my life, my inadequacies (according to me) & my unfinished projects were never far enough in the background for me to have a quiet or meditative moment, which I assume is a prerequisite for moments of happiness. I was so frustrated, because I knew this philosophy was spot on & so badly wanted to prescribe to it.

I have since made many & drastic changes to my life, with the sole purpose of happy. I want & need happy, to get fun. To earn fun. And if the grammatical statement, “First happy, then fun” translates to a mathematical equation, certainly there is a sequence. And therefore, I am on a quest for happy.

In this process, many truths about myself have come out & I expect many more. However, if I am nothing else, I am persistent. And that gives me hope. So, clearly, I don’t know how long this venture will take, but I dare to be patient. Patient with other’s inquires, patient with the process, patient with myself. As Sonny said in the film, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, “It will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end.” So, I am not yet to the end.

Sometimes, we run across unexpected people, in unlikely situations, who change our perspectives.

Albeit temporarily, we all need a jolt once in a while, to remind us we are alive. To give us a glimpse of what their* is to live for. To expose our realities. To allow ourselves to see our true reflection.

Surprisingly, yet obviously, when we make a shift, even a quarter of an inch, everything changes.

Tailors, hair stylists & photographers are all acutely aware of this. Many of the rest of us don’t even detect these subtleties. Ask the tailor, who has altered a wedding gown on a jittery bride; a stylist who has cut the hair of a hyperactive child; a photographer who has created beautiful pictures of people with faces lacking in symmetry. Minute shifts in posture & placement can make all the difference.

In a three-way mirror, we can see a more thorough & accurate representation than what our day-to-day full length mirror allows.

Every one of us has many different ways of being & various representations of ourselves. We often view ourselves as we wish to be & are confused or dismayed later when we see a candid photograph, work performance evaluation or have an honest conversation with a close friend.

As we look into a three-way mirror, the features we try to accentuate, flaws we attempt to disguise & the true shape of our booties are revealed.

A three-way mirror can also be a call to the reality of a situation, in the moment. Pivotal people, these are the people who shift our posture & placement to a degree & suddenly, we see something fresh. New possibilities, other ways of being & the idea of change becomes attainable or even inevitable.

Sometimes, it takes this unique kind of encounter to begin to see what others could already see, from their vantage point. When ignited with this kind of insight, anything could happen. But, let us be real, all I am looking to do is find my best angle & my true signature pose!

* “their” was intentionally used in an untraditional manner, as to demonstrate, that which is worth living for is not necessarily a place, as there would refer. Rather, their refers to owning the concept of life’s purpose, with their indicating belonging to oneself.

Photographer: Pranesh Maskey, Fort Collins, CO

The Space Between:
Who we are
What we could be &
What we actually want to be

You say, I am…
I say, “I could be.”

She says, You used to be…
I say, “If I’m lucky, someday I will be.”

He says, You’re beautiful…
I say, “It’s an attitude. A spirit.”

Another he says, You’ve already made it…
I say, “One day, I’ll make a difference.”

She says, Good luck…
I say, “I’m perfect & beautiful in every single way.”

Already.

During the past month, I’ve stayed with a 28 year-old bachelorette , a 59 year-old widow, a 86 & 82 year-old couple approaching their 61st anniversary, a 38 year-old single woman & a 29 year-old and 32 year-old couple engaged to be married. I preface my story with the ages of the individuals, as at this point in my endeavors, I am reflecting on how age & experience impacts one’s perception of life on a daily basis.

As I envisioned this venture, I sought a safe and budget friendly “home base”, from which I would check out the locals, explore nearby shopping venues & exercise at my leisure. I intentionally chose not to plan day-by-day itineraries or create wish lists of sites to see. I hoped to let intuition be my primary guide while putting intellect & intention on a vacation.

As my travels continued, I came to realize, by being an agreeable & agenda-free visitor, I was more seamlessly integrated into the day-to-day realities of whomever I was visiting. In effect, I was experiencing a “staycation” at each destination. This approach seemed to lend itself to deeper & more meaningful conversations than I had ever experienced with many of these friends & family members.

I started my journey staying with a 28 year-old friend as I wrapped up the details of my former life in Connecticut. We considered what we had hoped for ourselves & how we expected to impact others in our lives & work. The space between the reality we have lived & vision which fueled our work was simply disconcerting. We aborted that conversation, as it’s foolish to waste a good bottle of wine on such reflections. We did, however, come to a temporary conclusion. The impact we hoped our work would have has not been realized & the barriers holding us back cannot easily be eliminated. I suspect every generation of young professionals eventually comes to realize a similar truth.

As I moved on to another venue, I witnessed a loving couple, with the utmost admiration for each other & the willingness to anticipate & meet the needs of their partner, even at the expense of their own preferences. A couple which was keenly aware their days together are numbered.

In another location, I felt the drive of an unexpected & newly widowed woman to forge ahead without fear or hesitation, as she manages multiple estates, takes over her husband’s farming operation, attends to her father-in-law & keeps-up with the hobbies & commitments of her pre-widow life.

In Las Vegas, a 38 year-old fit, single & focused friend opened her home to me & shared pieces of her reality with me. Her known passion & vision for food & fitness were integrated into her lifestyle. Her mission of connecting people to the food they consume by understanding the growth process and nutritional benefits was modeled by the availability of fresh herbs & intention in the preparation. She considered stewardship in every regard, from growing fresh herbs & vegetables to reusing or recycling food containers to composting any excess. Her process was a clear prototype for living out one’s values & vision. This model of integrity to one’s overall goals & mission is both refreshing & honorable. My friend puts it much more succinctly: “You vote with your fork, everyday.”

A dear childhood friend & her fiancé graciously allowed me to share their space in their California home as I explored. I say gracious, as I had never met her newly pronounced fiancé and the stakes were high, considering she really knows me & how crazy I can be. In the unlikely, but possible, case of a disagreement, my friend would likely have to side with her fiancé (as well she should). Intelligent & worldly as he is, when in the heat of a debate I’ve been told I’m a bit of a bulldog when it comes down to ensuring my point is heard. However, all posturing aside, when my friend & I got in the car for her to take me to LAX, she breathed a long sigh of relief. Before we got down the block, she said, “He (meaning her fiancé) really likes you. And he doesn’t like all my friends.” I’m sure I had a snappy humorous response, which I can’t recall.

While I stayed with that couple, I had some free time & the opportunity to run to the beach, bask in the sun & shop at my leisure. However, my time grilling & watching bad movies with the couple was somehow more engaging. These two interacted in such a way, which prompted me to ask my girlfriend, “Where does one get one of these?” Referring of course to the fiancé & yes, a gesture accompanied the question, as he was present at the time. The answer: at the coffee shop, of course. In the morning. If I was in the market for such a product, clearly, my approach has been all wrong.

As this leg of the journey comes to a close, I find myself ruminating on my perception of the realities of these other people’s lives. I ponder which of these lifestyles I could imagine myself living. As many of these friends & family members are at a climatic point of their lives, I wonder, will I ever find myself experiencing any of these things? Or will I have another path all together, with different & perhaps less traditional climactic life events? As valid & worthy as each of these people’s paths are, I cannot yet imagine myself in any of their shoes. Maybe I just like to shop at different shoe stores, stores with some New York style.

I was on a run the other day at the bright, warm & shiny time of day when sunglasses are ineffective & accidents are about to  happen. Yes, I lack the self-protective, conservative gene. Or the forethought to consider my timing more carefully.

In any case, as I ran across the sidewalk, in a small Connecticut town, I found myself wondering: 

Is it our shadows that define us or is it the mirror which guides us?

Mid-stride, I caught myself turning my head & looking back at my shadow. Certainly, I knew the image of my shadow would shift in tandem, but could catch it in my peripheral? I repeated this awkward maneuver a couple more times in the next few blocks. Turns out, one can never fully capture the reflection of their own shadow. Well, that may be an overstatement. As a Google search alerted me, it seems philosophers are still pondering this question. To be certain, my three attempts, on this particular day all failed me. I wonder still, how much impact can the shadow of one’s past have on the future? Any shadow is merely a reflection of a moment in time & space. It is representative of our current actions, yet never fully catches up with us. Shadows represent our past, history, the image of what we believe to be following us.

In reality, few have the time, concern or wherewithal to reach within the past & try to discern any meaning from it. (Yep: Introspection, Reflection & Meditation- trendy for a resume; few subscribe to the magazine). Reality, it lives in the future.  Reality is looking us right in the eye. Right in the mirror, if you pause to stare right back at it.

Being a 21st Century American woman, I tend to steer away from too much unsupervised mirror time. This tool, which helps us create & define ourselves can also be a tool of destruction. (Anyone with a vested interest in vanity probably understands. Joan Rivers certainly does, but good luck quoting her on it).

This begs the question:

Are mirrors helping us frame our reality or guide our future?

Mirrors can share with us a reflection of what others might see. Aside from the Queen’s experience in Snow White, most of us must interpret the meaning of our own reflection. In this way, we can assess ourselves in the moment. Yet, if we are always quickly glancing, at a moment’s notice, as we rush out the door, are we really utilizing the power that lies within the mirror? Might the very same mirror aid us in looking forward to create a different path in our future?

Our future is what we allow it to be. Yes, the shadows may indeed be lurking. Yet, next time you pass a mirror, stop a moment, take a look. Enjoy the scenery. Or consider it a call to action. Or change the lighting…

In life, everything is about the lighting! So run towards a brighter light or step entirely into the shade. We must find the “Golden Hour”: photographers use this terminology to describe time in which the light is at its best. Even if it is merely a 60 minute window each day, we must thrive on finding that space where everyone can be blinded by our light, where we really shine. Within this space, we aren’t compelled to look over our shoulders in the rear-view mirror, as we try to track our shadow. Or worse yet, as we attempt to track who else is looking for our shadows. Rather, use one of the most advantageous tricks one can hold & manipulate the light!

My mind is somewhere between a pinball machine & a McDonald’s Playland. It’s all about the thoughts & holding on, to remember & attend to my internal dialogue. Sometimes it’s a pinball machine. My focus is the shiny, silver ball. I give a thought a tap (with the flipper button) & apply the wait time & see what happens. The thought often collides with other barriers & it’s my mission to keep my eye on the ball & follow through with the original inception of the idea, watch it be affected by the environment & embrace it as it changes & grows. The HOPE & AIM is to still BE THERE, with both my hands on the magic buttons that control the future of the idea. To keep it from falling into the canal of silver balls, all lined up & waiting for a second go-around.

The other challenge is the McDonald’s Playland, which is my purse, my mind, my intellectual capacity all departmentalized & shifting around. Everything is just a google click away, within my own mind, it’s all there. My charge is to find the specific bouncy ball/idea/resource I am seeking. Everything is within reach & all the answers are just a click away. I just have to focus enough to REMEMBER WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR. That, that is the objective, the vision, the purpose of the mission I am embarking on; the truth I hope to find…

If you’re BRAVE & BOLD & INTRIGUED…follow me. I’ll be searching for what I’m looking for (which is likely already in my purse, which is my archive of McDonald’s Playland balls). I just have to find IT & focus to keep it moving & changing & growing within this pinball machine.

The Couch Surfing & Camping begins! As I travel & reflect & create my adventure, if you’d like to be a part of my journey, complete the form at the attached link.

You can request to be added to my unofficial & ever changing itinerary.